Cutting Ties from Mother

Fiona's Journal

»  Fiona's Index  ::  Inner Child Journal  ..

Fiona Tulk - Remembering My Inner Child

: Fiona's Journal - Index
  Memories of my Inner Child

· Facing my internal fears

· Dead Babies - Buried Memories
  The Convent on the Hill


· No Self Esteem - a non entity
  My whole life a non-event


· Reincarnation in answer
  to Mother's prayers


· My Inner Child
  was addicted to Mother


· Who owns my body?

· I am not who I think I am

· Mother is watching me
  The grief of my family life


· My First Period
  The Rape of Innocence


· My Secret Shame
  Living for the approval of others


· Relationships
  My Search for a Soulmate


· The unspoken
  inner conflict with male


· Nana's Gift to me


: Fiona's Notebook - Index
  Meaning and Purpose

The first split from source, the first separation occurs when the egg is fertilized and given consciousness, forever linking with her mtDNA and joining into her maternal genetic lineage.

Addiction to Mother begins at conception ..

The child spends its whole life looking to recreate that umbilicus to Mother. The bastardization of integrity has begun. Force-fed mother's breast milk, the rites of passage are denied and the child is kept an addict.

Cutting ties from Mother to free the Inner Child

The ‘hit’ of birth is followed by the first crushing ‘withdrawal’ of Mother with the severing of the umbilical cord and in that moment, an addict is born. The inner child spends its whole life looking to recreate that feeling of connection to Mother. The bastardization of integrity has begun …

Force-fed mother’s milk, the child is forced to learn how to survive on minimum daily sustenance. For many, the putrefying resentment in her milk towards the child made it unpalatable. The child learns to trade favors in order to survive. Yet, still seeking a daily ‘fix’, still seeking her approval, the child becomes totally addicted to Mother for its survival.

Rites of passage denied, made wrong or ignored, yet, even while the child learns to deny its body and its rightful growth and development, the inner child is addicted to Mother’s approval. Mother’s word is law, to break that law means silent ostracism – at least criminals get a trial …

Addicted to Mother as an adult … seeking a ‘fix’ of approval for choice of friends, career, lifestyle, relationships even the choice to procreate. Any deviating from the linear plan laid out by Mother meets with her judgment and disapproval. Anything that interrupts her sanitized view of existence is met with withdrawal of her approval.

The adult is ‘arrested’ and reverts to child. The inner child addict is thrown into confusion and screams in pain for acceptance and recognition and is given more, more, more, pain. Pain trying to live the life of the biggest wheeler-dealer on the planet - Mother. 

The only release from such addiction feels to be death. Death of the physical body, death of the emotions, death of the spirit. Death of the child addict, who no matter what, was never, ever good enough. Death of the addiction to Mother. 

The addiction to the lifelong habit of thinking, acting, being that belongs to someone else … Death of the fear of the psychic abuse projected on the body, of the psychic and emotional pain experienced when Mother doesn’t fucking like it. Death of fear of Mother’s retribution if the inner child speaks out and if the ties are cut.

‘Mother abuse’ is killing me. Slowly, inexorably killing my body… The child cries silently from the darkest recesses.

But there is no Salvation Army, just me … My essence. There is no needle, just the piercing wound of Mother’s tongue. There is no substance, just Mother’s disapproval of my whole life… In the desperation of my grief there is only my act of will left, and even that feels tenuous.

My addiction to my Mother has run my life, numbed sensations and left me emotionally, physically and spiritually destitute. I don’t want to die – act of will and focus are all I have left. I wasn’t born to live someone else’s life and spend a lifetime seeking their approval – even when they die.

The only approval I can ‘gain’ is my own. The only trust I have is trusting in my essence. The only unconditional love I’ve ever known is in the eyes and being of a 20 month old baby boy…He’s not addicted to his Mother. He just is …

· Fiona's Index
· Meaning of Life Notebook
· Inner Child Journal

Addiction to Mother - Cutting ties to free the inner child
http://anunda.com/articles/addiction.htm

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