self judgment and inner child processing

My personal experience exploring the memories of my inner child, its sacredness and the profanity it was taught

My inner child remembers looking through the bodies of people around me and not understanding why they were full of black, grey, red .. no life force.

It remembers the sacredness of itself in the face of the profanity of spiritual imagery that was my religious upbringing..

The Memories of my Inner Child

The inner child remembers how my teachers used words as their weapons. It wasn't just the words they used, it was the energy behind the words.

Anger, resentment, hopelessness, fear, and sometimes sarcastic humour which seemed to be at my expense. Words used as weapons by adults to assault the bodies of the children in their care.

An Exploration of the The Sacred and the Profane

I was taught that the God of my mother and her religion was a wrathful God. If I misbehaved there would be consequences with the threat of the fires of hell burning in the background let alone Mother's reaction!!

The inner child learned to not speak out, not express itself or its truth for fear of their response. 

Sacred - The Illusion

Anything sacred or special was revered outside the body. Worshipped outside …the ultimate indignity of worshipping an icon, usually with a frozen face or lifeless statue.

My inner child learned that sacred was foreign to the body .. that the opposite existed in the body. A child born separate from the God of my parents and their church can never be sacred or special. That was the original sin

The Profane

My inner child learned to survive by taking on and acting out the projections of the opposite from those who called themselves sacred or holy; projections of evil, unworthy. It became invisible, hopeless, its life force made wrong. Whatever I have held onto in my life relationships, friendships, jobs, were all taken from me.

The inner child learned to withdraw. 

Silence became the only safe place. Silence and the trees because they didn't question who the innocent was. Their branches opened wide to embrace me.

Paralysis

Everything my inner child was forced to hold on to as a code of conduct or behaviour blocked me from living in the moment until the weight of this conditioning collapsed in on my Present and left me paralysed - literally.

My legs stopped working, went numb and I had no sensation or feeling from my waist down to my toes. I had stopped the blood flow to my legs because my inner child no longer had the will to move forward.

The Split

I couldn't move forward and the Past was suffocating my life force. In trying so desperately to create the life projected onto me by parents, teachers and peers my inner child split in two. Left and right side of the body no longer co-ordinated or communicating together.

Left brain kept screaming duty, expectations, obligations, survival at all costs and was firmly locked into past, learned ways of coping. 

Right brain went silent; savage migraines, nightmares and waking up in cold sweats - its only communication.

In the middle .. nothing .. nothing but a yawning chasm. 

Death seemed like a welcome option. My body had rejected me and the lie I was living; the dreamless sleep of death beckoned. The smallest function seemed too much. I felt like I was "losing it" and going crazy. 

All my hopes and dreams became my nightmares and the fear was very, very, real. I had created the opposite of my dream by holding on so tight I strangled myself.

Everything I thought I'd be or do in my life dissolved.

I have been stopped in this way more than once The battle between what I knew as sacred and what I was shown, what I was taught to believe .. which was the opposite of what I knew ….was huge.

Self Judgment

Underneath "learned" sacred?

Because my inner child was forced to forget, because of my educated body beliefs of lack, of unworthiness, because of the fear of remembering .. who I have become is the expression of self judgement and emptiness.

Judgement and regret that the experience of the knowing of my inner child was only a moment and not maintained; that in my life I had glimpses of the light that I am but not maintained it in the face of what I had to learn for my survival as a child

My own self judgement that I am unable to live in the moment because the tendrils of this past and its fear of future consequence weave their constant web

My own self judgement that I've seen it in others and projected my lack onto them and made them into something they were not because I couldn't or wouldn't see the innocence and wisom of my inner child because I was lost in my judgement and fear.

Then the fear. Fear of death and facing the fear of my own self judgements and regrets. Fear of once more not accepting the grace of my own inner child because my body remembers how what was once inherently sacred, my self, my integrity was made profane.

Sacred - The Reality

Yet .. now my mind has found out that sacred is not "outside" .. it is inside .. it is me .. my essence .. the expression of my inner child. Not sacred, but the truth of my existence under what others tried to teach me to believe ..

The sacred is My body, My innocence and my inner child. With an act of will, I will allow my body to release projections on it and to remember it is not profane.

© Fiona Tulk

» Fiona's Index
» Inner Child Index

The Sacred and the Profane - the memories of my inner child

Fiona's Inner Child Journal

During the Mirror Program my Inner Child remembered, realized and understood ..

· Facing my inner fears
Fear of being born, of growing up, of living, of dying, one betrayal after another.

· Buried Memories - The Convent on the Hill
The small child stands tentatively in the doorway, smelling the fetid air, feeling the oppression -  no words for the images that formed in her mind

· My whole life - a non-event
39 years of trying to please Mother -  justifying my existence, her pain for the martyrdom of childbirth. No wonder babies die

· Reincarnation: Answer to mother's prayers
It was NOT my choice to reincarnate. I was pulled back by genetic ties and mother's prayers. I had no say in it at all.

· My Inner Child - Addicted to Mother
The inner child spends its whole life looking to recreate the umbilicus to Mother. Force-fed mother's milk, rites of passage denied, the child is kept an addict

· Who owns my body?
My body was promised at 4 to the Church. I remember the vision - the colour of Mary. Pure, virginal, untouchable by man - given only to God.

· I am not even who I think I am
My whole life, bought and sold for the price of a Baptism. Forever marked by Mother, Church, Grandmother ..

· The grief of my family life
Mother's power of life and death, creator and destroyer, of absolution of sins, she wears the mantle of priest/confessor

· First Period - The Rape of Innocence
My first period was an eruption in my parent's house. My bleeding flooded the bed and I woke up drenched in it ..

· My Secret Shame
My whole life trying to gain approval of others and forgiveness for my secrets to ease my shame. So many years, so much energy hiding family secrets, feeling absolutely split,

· Relationships and My Search for a Soul Mate
Voices in the head? Visions? Search for my soul mate? How much is that an attempt to re-connect with the sibling who was lost to me, who died in my mother's womb.

· The unspoken inner conflict with male
Unconscious memories of relationships of ancestors and their self judgements and the code of silence that surrounds them. My genetic history, my family tree has ruled my every relationship

· Nanna's Gift
In spite of her feelings of unworthiness, poverty consciousness, fear of Father priest, Mother and the Church projected onto my Mother .. I survived


· Patterns of wounding that define behavior
A Therapist's Case History of how a series of seemingly unrelated patterns could influence Fiona's behavior in a life crippling way

: Fiona's Notebook - Index
Fate or Free Will - Finding and making sense of my life and my experiences

The Sacred and the Profane - Memories of my Inner Child
http://anunda.com/articles/inner-child.htm

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