my first sexual experience

Fiona's Journal

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Fiona Tulk - Remembering My Inner Child

: Fiona's Journal - Index
  Memories of my Inner Child

· Facing my internal fears

· Dead Babies - Buried Memories
  The Convent on the Hill


· No Self Esteem - a non entity
  My whole life a non-event


· Reincarnation in answer
  to Mother's prayers


· My Inner Child
  was addicted to Mother


· Who owns my body?

· I am not who I think I am

· Mother is watching me
  The grief of my family life


· My First Period
  The Rape of Innocence


· My Secret Shame
  Living for the approval of others


· Relationships
  My Search for a Soulmate


· The unspoken
  inner conflict with male


· Nana's Gift to me


: Fiona's Notebook - Index
  Meaning and Purpose

My whole life made a lie. My lifeforce bought and sold for the price of a Baptism. Forever marked by Mother, Church, Grandmother. Branded with their manipulations. 

Psychosis and the Mirror of Lies 

Boxed from Birth. The sacraments enforcing the rigidity of my illusion. The sad face of the small child at First Communion … knowing the lies.

I am not even who I think I am

Psychosis. The anguish of the child confessing `sins' ... desperately trying to find a `list' of transgressions to whisper into the darkened silence of the confessional coffin box. Forced to lie every week, same time, same place.
Mother's guilt enforced on my innocence.
Why…? What had I done wrong … ?

The fear of the child at Confirmation, seeing the hypocrisy in the bodies,
memorising words that drove the truth of me deep into the body,
so that I too - would forget ...

The words of my Mother ringing in adolescent ears...
`Is he a good Catholic boy?'
What is `good'?

The grief and guilt of first sexual experience, made to feel like I was sordid.

My virginity - no more than a small sheath of skin
guarding the gateway to my `Eden'. 
The price placed on my virginity - my state of innocence, seen as something that another person could `take away' and that I would no longer `have'.
Once gone, I was tarnished, of no worth.

Judgement and grief became the expression of my loss of innocence.
My lifeforce banned and forever subjugated by external forces.

Absolute fear of the Matriarch and her judgement.
The genetic gene of judgement handed down my Mitochondrial line, forever trapped by the code of silence so that NONE of the women were ever free to be free.

Matriarch knows the lies and lives in terror of the truth.

Psychosis. The schism of lies and truth reverberates in the body … truth hitting the lies like a shock wave ... the heart of the quake rising from my foundation
and tearing through every organ in the body. 

Every premise that was my truth, now seen for its delusion. The shock of the truth enough to drive the body to annihilation. Aftershocks ripping away fragments of denial, the body fears this state. Am I going mad?

This is known as death, but I am still living it.
I am living a state of death.
Death - is it the only time of all knowing?
Is death really bliss?
Is death really the ultimate state of bliss
which according to the body programming,
is not achievable on the earth plane whilst still living in a body?

Why has this way of be-ing been barred from me?
All my rites of passage have been defiled, controlled and contrived by Mother and her Church. 
Not even allowed to grow up - first period delayed,
by Mother's fear of her own sexuality.

Its not my psychosis. The wound of Mother's control still scars my body.
Yet, within me, there is no blame, no judgement, just relief at finally understanding. Relief that the code of silence has been broken, relief at owning for myself, the experiences that are my existence and the intrinsic knowing ...
that underneath the mirror of lies, I am still The Innocent.

Separation from `Da' was programmed into my body and like so many others before me, to survive, I had to become like them.

Now there is a choice
and the body doesn't have to die to make it real.

I am The Innocent and I am the embodiment of that innocence.

Understanding. The lies that have weaved their web have served their purpose. Now, after so many generations of searching, there can only be acceptance and living in the moment. The beliefs of my genetic past no longer control my body and in the consciousness of now ...

The Mirror of Lies is finally broken and my psychosis no longer has me trapped..

· Fiona's Index
· Meaning of Life Notebook
· Inner Child Journal

Psychosis and the Mirror of Lies. I am not who I think I am
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