| A memory rose up in my body. It came from a deep still place, a dark recess that I didn't even want to acknowledge. |
Reincarnation and my reason for being
It was NOT my choice to reincarnate in a physical body. I was pulled back by the ties to my genetic line and my mother's prayers. I had no say in it at all.
An answer to my Mother's Prayers
Contained within this bubble was a remembering of a very ancient script .. my body belief as to why I am here in this body in this place and time when sometimes the urge to go "home" is so strong. I have wondered where it came from ..
There can never be any blame of my mother or father in this .. but now I understand why I had hit a brick wall and didn't want to move around it. I recognise that there is still a small part of my genetic memory that is Catholic and didn't even believe in re-incarnation because that is not part of the dogma and what I was taught. Its also the part of me that didn't want to share this because it may be "heretical" ...
I forgot that the wall was not attached to anything but my mind! When I finished writing this I felt exhausted but the memories and the words gave me a clear understanding of the issues that had been presenting to me over the last few days. My body was a fearful place to be. It attacks itself, rots, generates dis-ease and spends its time regenerating trying to kill off what's already there.
Don't want to have body. Tired of struggle .. want to go home. Before this memory was accessed, this is how it was. Now I know why. My birth nearly killed my mother. She told me so. I was foreign to her body. A host - but definitely not heavenly in her eyes. I meant her demise. My birth - her eventual decay.
When this body was conceived, mother's prayers both conscious and unconscious pulled my spirit in from the ethers to replace her lost siblings that her mother lost during pregnancy and childbirth.
My mother was an only child. Nanna's beliefs and prayers became my mother's prayers which pulled this soul (spirit) into this body.
The "survival gene" dictated my re-incarnation because my spirit was trapped in the ethers, waiting to be summoned by the astral projections from a living body in my genetic line that carried the same genetic signature and resonated with my frequency.
This was the heart of my grief. It was not even my choice to re-incarnate. Not my choice to have a physical body again. Not my choice to experience same genetic line and when I was born it became NOT my life. My life was dedicated to the Church to clear my mother's grief and her mother's losses. There are at least 7 generations of Catholics in my family that I know of .. my body says 35 generations.
So much fear of never being good enough .. the self judgements of others, my family, became my own beliefs.
It is my mother's grief. My mother's prayer owned my will. I didn't even get a choice about whether I would have a body or not.
My body feels alien to me. Total alien-nation.
My ability to conceive of myself was, up until now, governed by the projections of my mother's prayers into the astral. Later, those prayers were projected on my foetal form in utero. Because I didn't re-incarnate myself, I couldn't re-invent or conceive of myself when my original conception came from the need of another person. Conception equated to the need to survive. The need to replace the loss of another life in the genetic line.
Second best .. from the moment of conception.
My fear of death is the fear of my own self judgements at death remembered from incarnations past ..
In limbo in the astral, there was the awareness of a fear of not being summoned back to re-incarnate and clear these issues or of having to wait a very, very long time for a body with a compatible genetic frequency.
My fear of separation and loss from source - my need for a Father and God was my remembering of being separated from spirit, sent away, like a punishment and being forced by the will of another (mother) to re-enter a physical body.
My search for Father, my need for a God was the need to re-establish the link with my spirit. Instead I had to worship a god outside.
But before I could worship that God I had to obey my mother because her will was greater than any god I knew. If I didn't survive I would be sent back, rejected .. and I would die.
This was unconsciously taught to me by both my mother .. and my Nanna as she lived with us waiting to die. I took that on as well ..
Re-incarnation in this body at this time was not my choice.
I didn't choose my parents ...they chose me. Part of me asked for confirmation of what I wrote ....
I had a magazine it's called "The Australian Women's Weekly" July issue and I was flicking through and found a special horoscope section titled "discover your life's true destiny". It is about how the planet Saturn combines with your own zodiac sign to reveal the truth about the lessons you have been put on earth to learn. This is an excerpt from the reading applicable for me:
"They say that every child gets to choose his or her parents. Presumably, by this, they mean that somewhere, out in the great cosmic void before we are born, we are invited to select our future homes and families. It may be so. But then, perhaps, we are given only a limited range of options.
At any given time, there are only a certain number of people in the process of making more people. Yet there are an awful lot of spirits, jostling in the queue for a human body. So maybe the "choice" is narrow, and maybe that explains why you ended up where you did!"
I didn't need any more confirmations.