A fibroid .. and the right ovary showed signs of endometriosis. I know that it is the work that I have done and my focus that has healed my body.
The Gift I gave myself I'd been told that there was a growth on my womb, a fibroid and that the right ovary showed signs of endometriosis. The treatments suggested were a course of drugs to halt the progression of the endometriosis and drugs to shrink the fibroids. The drugs could have short to long term side effects. The other alternative was to have surgery.
Today I received the gift I started to give to myself .. this story began 3 years ago about the same time of the year.
The power of Self Healing
In August 1997 I ended up in the Emergency ward of the local Catholic hospital called Calvary. I was unable to walk or even stand and was experiencing excruciating pains in the lower abdomen. I knew the time had come that I had been avoiding and that the pain in my womb and ovaries had come to a head.
Even with surgery the possibility of the both conditions re-occurring were high and the long term outlook with my genetic history of painful periods was hysterectomy. It was too much to face so I sought "alternative cures" using natural therapy. It didn't work for me and so .. I ended up in Calvary Hospital.
They operated on me the next day. Full abdominal surgery - as for a caesarean .. except I wasn't giving birth. The surgeon removed a 6cm fibroid from the back of the womb The right ovary was atrophied and 'stuck down' by a large cyst, chocolate-like in consistency which he removed.
Before I went into surgery the prognosis was bleak, the surgeon was talking of removing the right ovary completely. I demanded that he was not to remove it under any circumstances.
He agreed to my wishes and the right ovary was sown back together and in his words was "hanging in there by a stitch."
My understanding at the time was that it would only be a matter of time before the conditions returned and I would loose more if not all of the womb and the ovary. He even said the endometriosis would probably travel to the left ovary. He couldn't tell the state of the womb inside but he thought there would be more fibroids.
So I was left with a 15 cm scar across my abdomen and an extremely bleak future.
The Mirror is presented
Prior to the surgery I had been doing the work with Chris for about a year. So many issues around my mother and grandmother had surfaced which were all directly tied into what was happening in my womb. There is a genetic history of reproductive problems in the family. And so many of these issues I didn't want to even acknowledge or look at.
Just after my surgery, a little boy was born to one of the group members .. anunda. I had never been involved with anyone giving birth. I was there the night he was born on the breath. I was in the house, part of the energy. I've written about this before and how with his birth there were doorways of possibilities that opened up - portals, stargates.
In that house within that energy I sat there feeling a myriad of emotions. The emptiness in me, the loss of my creativity cut out of my body, the search for home, the search for another, BUT, in front of me I could see the energy dancing in the room, walls lost their rigidity and the whole room glowed. The small "I" had no place.
I saw but I did not understand the immense scope for potential if only I could get out of my own way and see without seeing ..if my mind would stop the endless mind chatter and the self defeating record of "lack".
I think back and I remember and there are tears ... it isn't easy to write this.
What I didn't see or understand at the time is that the doorways opened up in me too. Endless possibilities of creating my own potential, my own reality. But the genetic programming was still too strong. I couldn't see the whole picture so I chose to see only a broken piece of the puzzle. Bit like how my body felt.
A lot of water has flowed under the bridge since then .. I've written many pieces about my struggle with this genetic inheritance and for me it was my way of therapeutising myself. Sharing what I have written on the web site and the anunda discussion list is another part.
Once its written its gone, out of my body, and the next layer can come up. Sometimes it was a battle to do the work, the writing, the tie cuts, following the same principles that Chris has been posting. There were times when I just wanted to throw the whole lot in.
But I could also see the changes that were happening in my life...changes in me and how I related to people, family ....so I persisted (and so did he being the stubborn Christopher that he is).
Medical proof - the gift
I hadn't been back to have a complete check up using ultra sound since 6-8 months after the operation. I went last week and today I went back to get the results. I had no idea what to expect.
The gynaecologist checked the womb and the ovaries thoroughly .. given my history. There were no fibroids on the womb. The left ovary was normal. The right ovary was COMPLETELY NORMAL .. no signs of any atrophy .. and ovulating normally ... I had to ask him to repeat himself .. twice .. I cried.
No sign of endometriosis on either ovary and the right ovary had healed itself. It had been hanging on by a stitch!
He said that sometimes the ovaries can heal themselves. I cried more.
I cried because it has been such a bloody hard battle to allow the healing of my body and in doing so to allow the healing of my genetic line.
There were some bloody minded matriarchs in there. I am in awe of the power of my body to regenerate itself once I was able to release the inherent programming and get my mind out of the road. No drugs or any other treatments were used .. I just allowed the possibility that I could heal myself. I had to .. wormie wouldn't let me forget ...
And I cried because for so long the symbol of my creativity, my potential, my centre, gave me nothing but physical and emotional pain and such a sense of emptiness. And a sense of failure at not being quite complete.
The religious conditioning was so strong it was like a fortress that imprisoned not only my body but my mind.
I know that it is the work that I have done and my focus that has healed my body. I know it. I also know that the vibration of this healing of the female in me will go out. The resonance is so strong.
It is there for any who choose themselves.
A possibility now grounded in the physical body ..
a healing of the past belief patterns ..
and an unknowable future.
Now there are so many tears