My Secret Shame

The shame … put upon me by Mother -- that I was a girl – not in the mould that she wanted.

The spiritual quest for enlightenment is not about becoming ‘enlightened’. I already am. It is about unburdening my ‘secret’ onto anyone who I think:

a) will listen,
b) might have an answer and
c) couldn’t really see me anyway.

If I thought, for one minute, that they knew my secret – the shame I carry – I’d run away. Often I did.

The secret shame of my very conception when I went totally unacknowledged by my Mother’s mind for many months. The secret knowing that was impregnated in the fetus – Mother didn’t acknowledge the embryonic me so I wasn’t really wanted and coming into the body was not a good or safe place to be.

So began my search for someone, anyone, to approve and acknowledge the embryonic me – because that’s where I got frozen in a state of shock. Anything that has come after has simply layered more shame/guilt/grief upon the initial shock of realizing that having chosen to re-incarnate, chosen my parents, that even though it was my choice -- Mother didn’t really want me in her body, she could have miscarried me. Mother had the power of life and death over my embryonic state. She could have killed my body. This is my secret.

I wear the scars of my mother’s shame – because on some unconscious level she knew. She knew I was in her body but she couldn’t or wouldn’t acknowledge me. She knew she carried a life in her body but the idea was abhorrent to her upbringing.

She denied she had a body – as I have, in the past, denied my body. Her shame of her body became my shame.

My ‘secret’ is a universal secret. The one everyone knows on some level but never talk about …

Part of me has become my judge and jury, my own worst enemy, constantly judging that I could never, ever be good enough.

The secret I carry is -- that my Mother‘s body didn’t want me inside her …I searched the spiritual pathways trying to gain an understanding of why/how the sacredness of my life could have become so distorted, how my body and my beingness could be so abhorrent to my own Mother. 

When I knocked on the door of the Church – I got my answers. Control of the mind and not allowing the body/unconscious to shed its ‘secrets’ has become a learned behavior ….

The biggest secret, the greatest irony, is that my essence is untouchable, but the shadow, the shame, inherited through the DNA had become the impenetrable embryonic sac, which up until now, the waters had never broken through. 

My ‘birth’ has been delayed for way too long …Up until I met anunda .. when a little boy, without words, but simply through the expression of his being, said come and play. Come and play with the innocent.

I see the reflection …I honor the gift.